You’ll be in my heart always

A post about secondary infertility – please skip if you are experiencing infertility, or pregnancy is a sensitive topic for you.

I wasn’t raised in a spiritual or religious home; my parents chastised us when we said “oh my God” or swore, but that was really the extent of it. Dana and I are definitely scientifically minded but I like to imagine that there is some kind of after life where our spirits go.

I had my first miscarriage on December 17th, 2020 and it was emotionally terrible. For a few weeks there, I thought I wouldn’t keep going anymore. When we saw the baby on the ultrasound, I figured I should be 8 or 9 weeks along, but the little egg was barely 5 weeks and had no heartbeat. I miscarried two days later and the bleeding only lasted five days. We decided to name the baby Andy, a fairly androgynous name, reminding me of Toy Story’s Andy and the movie’s song “You’ve Got a Friend in Me“. I sing it to Rhys as a lullaby sometimes and hold Andy in my heart.

My second miscarriage happened on March 15th, 2021. We’d had an ultrasound a few days prior – again, I thought we’d be 8 or 9 weeks along, but the baby was about 6 weeks. We did get to see the tiny heartbeat flickering. On the 13th, I felt a burst of blood when I was working out, but it stopped after I took it easy the rest of the day. I started bleeding more the next day, and then experienced significant back pain and cramping on the 15th when most of the tissue past. I felt absolutely drained for a solid two weeks after.

Physically, this miscarriage was much harder on my body. Work didn’t relent to give me time to heal, Rhys still needed to be cared for, no grandparents were around to lessen our load, and I was struggling to understand how we could have experienced another miscarriage. The bleeding hasn’t stopped yet and I had an ultrasound yesterday to confirm that there is still some tissue left (which will likely mean a D&C). The constant physical reminder that I lost another baby is some kind of emotional punishment.

I spoke to my therapist a couple days after the miscarriage and I told her how I was struggling so hard to name the baby, as the pregnancy had been so nervous for me from the start. It was hard to be excited about being pregnant after losing Andy so recently. She told me to stop comparing the miscarriages; that they are their own experiences. So this baby I’ve christened Baby 3.

The statistic is one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, so I can wrap my head around one miscarriage. It’s just the odds. But TWO in a row? That’s just cruel.

As always, I am trying my best to be proactive and have been going for acupuncture. Some days walking feels like enough exercise, but I’ve done a few light-weight Street Parking workouts too. I am taking a supplement cocktail of myo-inositol, CoQu10, omega-3, vitamin D, magnesium, and a multivitamin. Oh, and my anti-depressant to keep me sane.

Anyways, to bring the spirituality opener full circle, here is what I imagine happens with miscarriages and it gives me a bit of peace:

When a mom experiences a pregnancy loss, a mom in the after life who was unable to bear children is given the chance then to complete the pregnancy and have her own baby to love and care for.

I like the idea that my babies are not lost, but rather deeply loved by another mom who never had the chance before.

In memory of our lost babies, Andy and Baby 3

You’ll be in my heart, always

3 thoughts on “You’ll be in my heart always

  1. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies Kaitlin. As someone who has experienced both miscarriage and now child loss, I can absolutely relate to your feelings of “HOW does something like this happen to one family?” Its heartbreaking and unfair and it leaves you with so many unanswered questions and lost hopes and dreams for what your family should look like.

    We had a miscarriage between Quinn and Ivy and I truthfully I didn’t give that loss the grief energy that it required because I got pregnant on my next cycle (an “oops”). We didn’t name the baby. I got a tattoo in honor of the miscarriage (before getting pregnant with Ivy) as a way to symbolize the baby and keep them close to my heart. I got a chrysanthemum and its half blue/half pink as we never knew the gender.

    I’ve had Quinn come through in medium readings, and one of the interesting consistencies is that the mediums have picked up that I have another child in spirit as well, which isn’t widely known to people. This baby did not have a name, but was a boy. We decided to name him Emory.

    Sending you love as you continue to process these losses while having to manage the other demands in your life. If you need anything, even just to talk to someone who has been there and understands that there are no answers even though that’s all we want, please reach out.


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