A post about secondary infertility – please skip if you are experiencing infertility, or pregnancy is a sensitive topic for you.
I wasn’t raised in a spiritual or religious home; my parents chastised us when we said “oh my God” or swore, but that was really the extent of it. Dana and I are definitely scientifically minded but I like to imagine that there is some kind of after life where our spirits go.
I had my first miscarriage on December 17th, 2020 and it was emotionally terrible. For a few weeks there, I thought I wouldn’t keep going anymore. When we saw the baby on the ultrasound, I figured I should be 8 or 9 weeks along, but the little egg was barely 5 weeks and had no heartbeat. I miscarried two days later and the bleeding only lasted five days. We decided to name the baby Andy, a fairly androgynous name, reminding me of Toy Story’s Andy and the movie’s song “You’ve Got a Friend in Me“. I sing it to Rhys as a lullaby sometimes and hold Andy in my heart.
My second miscarriage happened on March 15th, 2021. We’d had an ultrasound a few days prior – again, I thought we’d be 8 or 9 weeks along, but the baby was about 6 weeks. We did get to see the tiny heartbeat flickering. On the 13th, I felt a burst of blood when I was working out, but it stopped after I took it easy the rest of the day. I started bleeding more the next day, and then experienced significant back pain and cramping on the 15th when most of the tissue past. I felt absolutely drained for a solid two weeks after.
Physically, this miscarriage was much harder on my body. Work didn’t relent to give me time to heal, Rhys still needed to be cared for, no grandparents were around to lessen our load, and I was struggling to understand how we could have experienced another miscarriage. The bleeding hasn’t stopped yet and I had an ultrasound yesterday to confirm that there is still some tissue left (which will likely mean a D&C). The constant physical reminder that I lost another baby is some kind of emotional punishment.
I spoke to my therapist a couple days after the miscarriage and I told her how I was struggling so hard to name the baby, as the pregnancy had been so nervous for me from the start. It was hard to be excited about being pregnant after losing Andy so recently. She told me to stop comparing the miscarriages; that they are their own experiences. So this baby I’ve christened Baby 3.
The statistic is one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, so I can wrap my head around one miscarriage. It’s just the odds. But TWO in a row? That’s just cruel.
As always, I am trying my best to be proactive and have been going for acupuncture. Some days walking feels like enough exercise, but I’ve done a few light-weight Street Parking workouts too. I am taking a supplement cocktail of myo-inositol, CoQu10, omega-3, vitamin D, magnesium, and a multivitamin. Oh, and my anti-depressant to keep me sane.
Anyways, to bring the spirituality opener full circle, here is what I imagine happens with miscarriages and it gives me a bit of peace:
When a mom experiences a pregnancy loss, a mom in the after life who was unable to bear children is given the chance then to complete the pregnancy and have her own baby to love and care for.
I like the idea that my babies are not lost, but rather deeply loved by another mom who never had the chance before.
❤ In memory of our lost babies, Andy and Baby 3 ❤